Graham Short

GRAHAM SHORT - "My Life as a Micro-Artist"

The most amazing and unusual presentation you are likely to see
- thought-provoking, awe-inspiring and highly entertaining.
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I knew, the day I left school at the age of 15 without any
qualifications, that I had already failed on an epic scale. This was brought home to me when I secured my first job - emptying mouse traps in a Birmingham factory. The only positive memory I took from school, was of an inspiring English teacher, who explained how anyone could succeed at the highest level imaginable.

Inspired by this same teacher, two of my class-mates went on to become world-renowned rock musicians, another became an Olympic runner and another pupil is now a television household name.

The teacher's parting words, to me as I left school for the last time, were, "For the rest of your life, remember, if you want to achieve, you must think differently and behave differently. Think the same as everyone else, and you will achieve just the same."

This advice led me to securing the most enviable and prestigious client list imaginable, which included Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, Balmoral, Sandringham, The National Gallery, Rolls Royce, Chanel, Harrods, Fortnum & Mason, Richard Branson, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Kim Kardashian, Elton John, Uri Geller and many, many other celebrities.

I am now considered by multi-millionaire fine-art investors around the globe to be the most talented artist alive today. Of course I don't believe it, but, being a thick Brummie, I'm sure you will understand when I say, it's good for my ego to hear this!

After carving The Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin, and engraving the words, 'Nothing is Impossible' along the sharp edge of a Wilkinson Sword razor blade, and the smallest portrait in the world of the Queen (on a gold disc inside the eye of a needle), I have appeared in many news, radio and television features internationally, and been the subject of a Discovery Channel documentary. Two years ago a film of my life was shown at the annual Art and Film Festival in Hollywood.

An interesting venture, which brought me massive media coverage around the world, was when I engraved a portrait of Jane Austen on four £5 notes, then travelled around Britain, spending them in small shops. These four notes were valued at £50,000 each.

I go to greater lengths than anyone else in the world in an effort to produce art on such a minute scale. Working from midnight to 5.00 am, to avoid vibration from passing traffic, I lower my pulse to 20 beats a minute with the aid of potassium, magnesium and beta-blockers, and while wearing a stethoscope I engrave between heartbeats when I am perfectly still. Regular injections of Botox into my eyelids ensure there is no distraction from eye-muscles and nerves. At the age of 76 I still swim 10,000 metres every day. The reasoning is that the fitter I am, the lower my resting heart-rate, which gives me a good base to work from before the tablets start kicking in.

I am also a former European champion and record holder - 200m butterfly and 1500m freestyle.

I have many funny anecdotes to relate, concerning the celebrities and Royals I have met and worked with.

I will ensure that your members are thrilled with my presentation and are left talking about it long after it ends. I will add, your members will tell you it's the best talk they have ever heard. If they don't say this, you needn't pay me! As you are aware, no other speaker has ever said this to you.

Kind regards,
Graham